Losing It

Losing It

Is it ever OK to lose it at work? I mean really lose it? Not just express a bit of frustration, or articulate unhappiness about a decision. But to lose it with a raised voice; tears of anger; cutting sarcasm; below the belt insults; a cat fight in a bar kind of a brawl losing it?

I like to think I’ve never lost it to that extent, but I have certainly raised my voice at meetings; I’ve cried with frustration, and I have made dramatic exits to emphasise my point. Current colleagues may find this hard to believe but I think I’ve got better at not allowing my emotions to take over, and to not take work personally.  That was a major failing of mine in the past but my training as a life and business coach a few years ago really helped me to separate myself from my work. None of which means that I constantly maintain a professional persona.  I’m kind of a heart – on – my – sleeve sort of person which some people love, and others find extremely difficult. I must admit their stance is generally dictated by whether or not they’ve been on the receiving end of my outbursts.

I am aware that my way of working makes some uncomfortable. I’m not good at letting things go,  but I also think how people view that is very subjective.  Let’s compare some perspectives on this:

* She won’t let things go vs She is tenacious

* She badgers people vs she goes after what she wants

* She is too emotional vs she is passionate

* She is confrontational vs she takes no prisoners

* I wouldn’t want to come up against her vs I’d want to have her on my team.

I often think that my behaviour would be perceived very differently if I were a man.  Also that my approach might fit better in the commercial sector than the NGO / public service arena.  Wrong time, wrong place; what’s new?

I don’t go into meetings with the intention of creating difficulty or tension.  I don’t personalise my comments and I try to stay on point.  But I do tend to be the one in the room to name the elephant; to ask the hard questions; to probe in order to enlighten.  Sometimes I promise myself I won’t do it; that I will stay quiet today; that I will let (or encourage) someone else to take on that role. But invariably no one steps up and I just can’t hold myself back, so I dive on in there.

So what is that about? Where does this need for transparency come from? I have come to understand some pretty complex dynamics from my childhood that influence this behaviour, but in essence I value honesty and struggle with a lack of clarity.

I know there have been times when my need to be right has driven my tenacity, but increasingly I find myself able to let go of that. The need to do the right thing however remains a huge motivator for me.  I believe that’s an important distinction.

So, is it ever OK to lose it at work? Well, here are my conclusions.  It’s never OK to insult or personalise, to shame or embarrass. And acting from ego is rarely a good idea. Colin Powell said to be a great leader, you can’t always be popular, and so it is absolutely OK to ask the uncomfortable questions; to name the difficult issues; to underline the absence of transparency and demand better.  In fact, good leadership requires it.  The quintessential difference for me is about being motivated by and acting from a place of integrity.  I trust that those colleagues willing to reflect will recognise what drives me and accept it, irrespective of how that may make them squirm at times. Either that or I need to start looking for a job in a multi national!